All I am
by Ihavetoomanyfeels
Summary: Been on the ground is hard enough, but after the death of her brother Finn, Mia seeks out revenge but only leading her to more dark and fucked up trouble. **TRIGGER WARNING**
1. Chapter 1 - Worn out

****** MAJOR TRIGGER AND DISCLAIMER WARNING PLEASE READ: ******

This fanfiction is very dark and goes over some very very dark areas, including sexual assault, self harm, and suicide. Luckily I can remain anonymous on here so I can be honest and tell you that I went through sexual assault similar to what I have written. Writing this through a different characters point of view has really helped me cope and heal.

THE MAIN CHARACTER: The main character is NOT one of the characters in the 100. She is a character I had made up as I couldn't find a chracter in the series that would react the way I had. I hope you enjoy reading. New chapter up soon

Disclaimer: I do not own or claim to have any rights of the 100 series.

 **CHAPTER ONE - Worn out**

"You know this is a bad idea Mia." Jasper says with a hint of fear in his voice.  
"Can't help but agree." Monty mutters, kicking a rock he had been trailing with us for a while now.  
"Then why are you coming?" I snap back, kicking the rock out of Montys range.  
"Because you couldn't do it alone" Harper says chuckling.  
"Please, I could easily handle this alone." I whisper under my breath, as we continue to rush through the woods.

We continue to trudge through the damp forest, walking quickly to cover as much ground as possible. I feel my muscles cramping, beginning to tense, as if they will buckle underneath me at any moment. But I can't stop, not now, not ever. Not until I find those capable of his death.

Finn, my older brother. His death was not dignified, stripped of that the moment feral grounders took a grotesque weapons to his body. It was long, agonizing to witness. I had to watch while my body crumbled underneath the ropes to which I was bound too. I could feel my heart literally burn and break in my chest. Bellmay was tied next to me, squeezing my hand every time Finn was touched. I didn't want to be touched, I wanted to be far away as possible from anyone. Even Bellmay, my soul mate.

I know as soon as it hits him I am gone, he will begin to search for us, but I can't worry about that now. Bellmay is strong, he can look after himself. But all I hope is that he doesn't discover my missing presence before he can become tied up in the catastrophe I have already created.

While I promised not to stop, I can feel my body begin to wear out, so I decide to stop and save my strength, rather than keep rushing through and collapsing without the chance of a quick recovery. We stop when Harper finds a suitable shelter for the evening, but like every mission we embark on, someone has to stay watch. I look to the other members of our team, decide I will take first watch, I would rather see myself struggle then them.

The stars shine within the sky, they obviously look smaller from down here, but just as beautiful and elegant. I try to distract myself in every way I know to how too, but my eyes begin to droop, my eyelids become heavy and my muscles feel as they will give out from holding the gun that my fingers rest on the trigger. I have given Jasper what I hope is a decent nap, so I decide to wake him.

"Jasper," I whisper as I begin to nudge his sleeping body. He grumbles and wriggles, but doesn't awaken.  
"Jasper, please." I beg, as I push him more aggressively.  
"Urgh what?" he grumbles beginning to stretch.  
"I'm sorry." I mutter pathetically. "I can't stay awake any longer." I add.  
"It's okay Mia, I understand. About time I woke up anyway." He says with a small smile.  
"Thank you Jasper." I reply.

It doesn't take more than a second before my eyes close and don't open fo a while.


	2. Chapter 2 - Broken

****** MAJOR TRIGGER AND DISCLAIMER WARNING PLEASE READ: ******

This fanfiction is very dark and goes over some very very dark areas, including sexual assault, self harm, and suicide. Luckily I can remain anonymous on here so I can be honest and tell you that I went through sexual assault similar to what I have written. Writing this through a different characters point of view has really helped me cope and heal.

Disclaimer: I do not own or claim to have any rights of the 100 series.

 **CHAPTER 2 - Broken**

When I awaken again, I feel a heavy pungent breath beside me, I flicker them open for a second to him peering over Harper beside me. Monty and Jasper are not in sight, why would they have left us to defend for ourselves when we were both fast asleep?

I squeeze my eyes shut to pass off the illusion that I am still sleeping soundly.

I continue to peek and get ready to take action. As subtle as my being will allow I try to shift my knife into my palm and into a grip that will allow me not to miss. I watch careful as he begins to entwine her hands together, but as he straddles her I know I need to take my move. Work quick, fast and efficient.

Throwing myself up I dart for his shoulder, stabbing and knocking him over in the same motion. He begins to scream out in pain as he head slams to the ground leaving an extraordinary head wound. I stomp his nose for good measure.

I quickly lift Harper to her feet and tell her to run, find Monty and Jasper and get back to camp before they come looking for the grounder.  
"What about you?" Harper asks desperately.  
"I need to take care of him." I say gesturing to the grotesque man behind me.  
Harper nods and quickly runs with a suitable gun squeezed in her shaking hands.

As I turn I can see the grounder beginning to awaken. With his body fragile and damaged, I doubt he will be able to fight again. I turn to take the ropes of his belt so I can turn his intent against him. I underestimate his strength as he quickly grabs my wrist bending it into a certain beak twisting me onto the ground. The adrenaline pumps through me and I jump to my feet. I am no match for this grounder, so my next instinct is to run.

My legs shaking with panic I continue to run with not enough with balance by my side, I continue to fall but I can't stay down. I have to run. The grounder begins to catch up with me quickly as I continue to fall over again and again. But I keep running, my next option is o climb, I hope with the already sustaining injuries climbing will be nothing more than an agonizing chore. I begin to scavenge the first tree that has a sustainable amount of branches.

I'm not fast enough, I feel the hard grip around my ankle as it is pulled from under me. My skin rips against the rough bark and the blood begin to pour from my arms and cheek.  
"You will pay." He all whispers as he pins my body against the tree I was just ripped from.  
"Just like you brother, but you. Will pay a much bigger price." he adds with a growl.

I look into his clouded green eyes and realize he was one of the men that hurt him, took away everything he was, torturerd him into a desperate little boy he never was. I feel him tug at my pants pulling them slowly down while holding a sharp knife to my throat, already breaking the skin, adding to the long list of wounds covering my body.

I feel like limp, useless, and frozen upright against the tree. As he begins to use my body for his own purposes I feel the violation within me grow and the fear overflows inside me. Tearing my body apart. My sobs are loud and ugly. and full of fear and terror. I squeeze my eyes to block out my entire being. The pain sores throughout my entire being. Murdering me would be easier, would make me feel better than this. My body shakes and crumbles into nothing as the grounder destroys me of everything I am.


	3. Chapter 3 - Unbalanced

****** MAJOR TRIGGER AND DISCLAIMER WARNING PLEASE READ: ******

This fanfiction is very dark and goes over some very very dark areas, including sexual assault, self harm, and suicide. Luckily I can remain anonymous on here so I can be honest and tell you that I went through sexual assault similar to what I have written. Writing this through a different characters point of view has really helped me cope and heal.

Disclaimer: I do not own or claim to have any rights of the 100 series.

 **CHAPTER 3 -** **Unbalanced**

As the pain begins to tighten I feel a weight lifted off me, my body falls to the ground quickly leaving a sharp pain sore through my pelvis and up my spine. I open my eyes and my senses register the bellows of shouting before me. Bellmey. I look to my side to see the anger and aggression rise within him, punch after punch straight towards his face. I stumble onto my hands and knees covering myself, realizing the blood the seeps between my thighs.

"Bellmey stop," I cry out. I need him, the grounder doesn't. I do. He ignores my plea and continues to scream and shout with every punch he takes.  
"Please" I cry.

I feel his arms around me, more gentle and reassuring than the ones of me before. "Bellmay" is the only thing I can manage between sobs. He removes his jacket and wraps it tightly around me, swaddling me like a baby in distress. Cradling me in his lap he wraps his arms around me holding me in his chest. I feel wet droplets fall onto my course brown hair. He is crying, just as I am.  
"We have to move Mia, their will be more." Bellmey whispers, lips trembling.

My legs are jelly, I feel unbalanced, frozen. "I can't walk." I mutter followed by another ugly sob.

He doesn't say anything more but reach around me throwing me up into a craddle hold and begins to trench through the forest that will never look the same to me. My eyes squeezed shut for what feels like eternity before we enter back to camp.

It occurs to me we're back at camp when I feel the vibrations of bellmanys yelling radiate his chest. "Open the gates."

We enter following gasps and lots of unanswerable questions. "Get into the drop ship." Octavia says in disbelief squeezing Bellmeys arm.  
I'm placed onto a make-shift gurney covered in animal furs. Bellmey stands back pacing with his hands scrunching his hair, with nothing but fear clouding his expression. Clarke and Raven come in unexpectedly staring my limp lifeless body down.  
"Oh shit." mutters Raven.

Octavia re enters with a bowl of water and rags with some of Jaspers moon shine. She glances at Bellmey. "Get out." She yells.  
Bellmey looks conflicted, to abandon what he fears or to confront them.  
"Out" she repeats, louder this time.  
He turns and pushes the tarp covering the door letting himself out. But returns as quickly as he left. "No, I need to stay."

Raven and Clarke stand beside me and they help Octavia, they both work silently on my wounds. I feel mentally useless and cannot fight their help anymore. Bellmey sits beside me, just holding his hands covering his mouth, sitting with the shock settling in his stomach. They tug at my trousers pulling them off awkwardly. My eyes remain closed, I wince at the pain. I can only imagine their uncomfortable expressions. I tense at the warm rags touched my tender raw places.  
Unexpectedly Bellmey turns and throws up his entire day of food onto the floor beside us.  
"Jesus Bellmey, get out." Raven shouts.  
"I." He pauses for a second. "I can't" he finally adds on with a whisper.  
Bellmey is as useless as I am in the situation, I'm thankful he is here, but I can't face the torture I'm putting him through.  
"Get out." I mutter coldly. It didn't mean to come out that way, but I can't help the frustration that has cosummed me.


	4. Chapter 4 - Never the Same

****** MAJOR TRIGGER AND DISCLAIMER WARNING PLEASE READ: ******

This fanfiction is very dark and goes over some very very dark areas, including sexual assault, self harm, and suicide. Luckily I can remain anonymous on here so I can be honest and tell you that I went through sexual assault similar to what I have written. Writing this through a different characters point of view has really helped me cope and heal.

Disclaimer: I do not own or claim to have any rights of the 100 series.

 **CHAPTER 4 - Never the Same**

When my eyes open again, I grip the animal furs beside me to ensure they're real, and let out a scream that my dreams wouldn't allow me to do. Someone grip my hand, to be reassuring I think, but it doesn't feel that way. I rip away and push myself up onto my feet to run. But the pain rips through me and I just crumble to the ground, hitting my head in the process. 

"Mia," Bellmey says with a whisper, crouching beside me and holding me into his chest. he must have been the one beside me.  
For a second, I feel safe and comfortable. But I am not a victim, and I refuse to be one. "Get away from me." I scream, pushing him away from me.  
"What the hell is going on in here?" Raven shouts walking through the tarp into the drop ship.  
"Nothing" I snap back. "I'm fine."  
"Bull shit Mia, your bleeding." She says taking a rag and ringing it out in a bowl.  
"I know okay, I hit my head." I say gripping the side of the make-shift gurney.  
"No Mia. Somewhere else." She says looking down to my pelvic injuries.  
It takes me a moment for it to sink in, all I can do is whimper in response, Bellmey helps me gently back up onto the bed.  
"It's okay Mia, I'll help you get cleaned up." Raven says with a sympathetic smile.  
"No." Bellmey says gently taking the rag from Ravens hand. "I will." he adds.  
"Bellmey, you know what happened last time." Raven says hesitatingly.  
"I know." He says sadly. "Just let me." he adds on.  
Raven glances at me then back to Bellmey. "Okay." She whispers. Raven dries her hand on a dry cloth then walks out through the tarp.  
"Don't Bellmey." I let out sternly.  
"I don't care Mia. I.." He trails off, I'm not sure what he wants to say, but I don't push it. All I do is nod, accepting defeat. He damps the cloth with water and a little bit of moon shine.  
"I'm sorry Mia, this will sting." He says softly.

Carefully he pushes my thighs apart, and begins to wipe all the bacteria away, starting from my knees and working his way down. It doesn't sting at first, but the closer down he follows the more scary and painful it becomes.  
I can see the sickening twirling in his stomach, how hard he is holding back. I squeeze my eyes shut and hope it will be over soon.

"I'll find him Mia, he'll pay for this." He mutters.

I feel numb in regards to who hurt me, I thought I would be angry. But I am just numb.

When he finishes cleaning me up he lays cloth and animal furs over me to keep me warm. He washes his hands in the bowl, and lets out a deep sigh before walking away.

"Wait." is all I can manage out. I feel weak and fragile, and despite everything in my mind telling me I am stronger than this and I don't need comfort. I do. I need him, I need someone to cry to and tell me it's okay to cry, and be upset.

He turns to me and looks at my clouded broken eyes and walks briskly over to me, sits beside me entwining his hand into mine. His hand feels warm and tender within mine, I crave his touch. The reassuring warmth, that tells me I'll be okay.  
I swing my legs around off the bed and try to shuffle over to his lap without touching the floor.

"No, Mia, get back into bed." He says gently swinging me back in.  
"I need you." I say with a whisper, the tears beginning to pool.

He shuffles onto the bed, sitting upright with his back and head against the wall. I rest my head on his thigh and he begins to stroke my matted knotted hair. His warmth radiates my body and I feel warm and safe.

 **OCTAVIAS P.O.V**

I decide to check on Mia, make sure her and Bellmey are okay. My brother is strong, that's were I get it from I think, but I see his broken insides. What tortured Mia, is torturing him too.

I turn to see Raven approaching, probably with the same idea.  
"Checking on Mia?" Ravens asks softly.  
"Yea," I reply casually.

We both enter and see Bellmey and Mia entwined within each other fast asleep.

"Should we wake her and check on her injuries?" I ask worried, I remember when Finn was stabbed by a grounder shortly after we arrived, but it doesn't appear he was poisoned so far, never can be too careful though.

"Neither of them have barley slept since they got back, probably better off waiting for them to wake up on their own." She replies softly, tucking the blankets in for them.

I nod in reply cleaning up the mess that was left behind.

"Do think she'll be okay?" Raven asks politely.

"Physically, she will be fine. She is a fighter, always has been." I pause letting out a sigh, "but mentally. I can't know for sure, first her brother, now this. I don't think she'll never be the same again." I add on sadly.


	5. Chapter 5 - Weak

****** MAJOR TRIGGER AND DISCLAIMER WARNING PLEASE READ: ******

This fanfiction is very dark and goes over some very very dark areas, including sexual assault, self harm, and suicide. Luckily I can remain anonymous on here so I can be honest and tell you that I went through sexual assault similar to what I have written. Writing this through a different characters point of view has really helped me cope and heal.

Disclaimer: I do not own or claim to have any rights of the 100 series.

 **CHAPTER 5 - Weak**

 **(1 week later)**

Those green eyes perice my vision every time I close my eyes. My eyes sting so much as I avoid even blinking.

Things have started to settle back to normal thankfully. I can't handle the pity, everyone asking me if I'm okay, do I need anything, how am I feeling, or that sort of thing. I'm part of sky crew, just like everybody here, at the same amount of risk. I'm sick fo been treated like I need to be covered in bubble wrap and cotton wool.

Bellmey is the only one who understands, avoids the "are you okay" question. Just sits with me when he isn't helping everyone, doesn't even say a word. Just holds me and lets me cry and whimper when I need too. He encourages me to keep moving and helps me be independent like i use too. I hate that so much about myself now, how dependent I have become of Bellmeys precense, making me feel safe and not alone anymore. The only one who can comfort me when I wake up in screams and sweats, he grounds me back to reailty.

Today when I wake up in screams Bellmey is gone, and I only have myself to calm me down. Eventually my voice goes dry and I grip the furs to help me ground back to reality. Not letting myself sink back into the night terror. I let out a small whimper then suck it up to start the day. I don't want to move, just wallow in my own self-pity and depression. And even though the rest of the 100 will let me out of sympathy, I refuse to accept it. I have to play my part and assist this camp as everybody else does.

I quickly change into pants and a loose top as the sun is particularly bright today. I walk out and see Octavia struggling with chopping a log of wood, so I walk over to help her.  
"Need a hand?" I say taking the axe from her hands.  
"What would be nice, thank you." She says in reply.  
Octavia begins to gather more logs beside me, she chirps up. "You seem better today."  
"Funny I don't feel like it." I say with a joking manner. "Do you know where Bellmey is?" I add on.  
"Him and some of the guys went out for a hunt, I think anyway." She says with a smile. "You know if your tired, you can go back to bed, no one will mind." she adds on.  
"Do I look that bad?" I reply with a smile.  
"Sorry to tell you, but you really do." Octavia says light heartdly.  
"No I can't," I say throwing the axe into the wood. "I have to put in my fair share like everybody else."  
"When Jasper got stabbed the first day we arrived here, he was out for weeks. But did anyone get angry at him for 'not putting in his fair share?'" She says holding my arm and facing me.  
"No, but physically I am fine." I reply.  
"But mentally?" she questions.  
I don't answer but Just avoid her yes.  
"Exactly Mia. You mental health is just as important. If you need some time just to regroup and get your shit together, take all the time you need." she says with a reassuring smile.

I am faced with an inner battle with myself. To keep fighting through, or let my legs fall underneath me. I am so conflicted within myself. But the more I think about it, the more I want to lay back down.

I pass the axe back to Octavia and walk into the drop ship.

When I get in, the first floor is scatterd with people working on many different things. When I see everyone look up at my drained face, I need out and quickly take the ladder.  
When I get to the second level, it appears empty and cold, just what I need.

I crawl into a small crevice and hold my knees to my chin and try to count 10 good things. I started doing it shortly after, a way to tell me it's going to be okay, that I will get better, that the earth isn't just grounders waiting to take our lives and bodies in their own hands.

what feels like 30 seconds later, Banging smacks onto the level two entry, that I locked in the hopes of some privacy.

I let out a growl out of frustration, "What?" I snap.  
"It's Clarke, let me in" she yells from below.  
I crawl over and pull out the pipe holding it from been opened.  
"Please, just let me be." I say rubbing my eyes.  
"Mia, it's Bellmey." She whispers.  
My eyes snap up and fear and worry riddles every part of me. "What happened?" I almost scream.  
"He's gone, he's gone after the grounder who attacked you." She says reaching to rub my arm reassuringly.

I quickly pull my arm away. "No, no, no Bellmey no. I need you, I need you here now. Please come back." Holding my hands around my head in atempts to drown out everything and just be with myself. Why am I so dependent, why am I so lost?

"Mia?" Clarke says worried.

It now hits me I have been screaming out loud, and not just in my head. "I'm fine" I scream. I can't do this, not now not ever. Not without him. I was kidding myself with this 10 things a day shit. I am lost, gone, and I don't think I will ever be able to return. Those green clouded eyes continue to scream at me, and the pain comes back screaming up my spine not giving any signal of leaving. Leaving me screaming, and crying, just wishing death would over take me. I can feel it happening all over again, and theirs nothing keeping me grounded to reality.

 **THIRD PERSON P.O.V**

"Raven!" Clarke screams below the second floor. "Radio Bellmey now. Tell him it's Mia, I don't know what to do!"  
"What's wrong with her?" Raven yells to Clarke.  
"I don't know?" Clarke replies fumbling with a cold cloth patting Mias forehead.  
"She's triggered" Octavia pipes up, no one realizing she had entered.  
"Triggered?" Raven questions, "what does that mean?" she adds on confused.  
"Certain feelings, sights, smells, voices, memories, or people can trigger painful memories, or feelings, turning into panic and dissociation." she says pausing taking over for Clarke.  
"I don't understand, what does that mean?" Raven yells over Mias loud ugly sobs.  
"It means she is experiencing it all over again." she replies brushing Mias hair back behind her ear. Octavia whispers soft sentences and coos like she is soothing a baby animal lost from it's mother.

Mia holds her hands over head, blocking out everything possible. Octavia pats her forehead with a damp cloth continuing to try and bring her back to reailty.

"What do we do?" Raven asks with tears pooling in her eyes.  
"Wait it out." Octavia replies.


End file.
